


The Kids Are Alright

by Anyhoodle



Category: Skins, Star Trek 2009, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, General Angst, Multi, Self Harm, Skins AU, Teen parent, Underage Drinking, possible character deaths not sure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 04:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/807225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anyhoodle/pseuds/Anyhoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Star Trek/Skins AU. A series of drabbles connecting into a messy web of dysfunction, friendships and various relationships, mainly to Jim</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> An idea Ive been toying with for a couple years now. Exercise to write out of my comfort zone. Not exactly a 'one shot' so lets call this a shot in the dark. There is a vague timeline in there somewhere. No real reason or rhyme, I'm just winging it really, lets hope for the best.

Sirens.  
  
Just the fire alarm right now, no police just yet at least. But just that was enough to send the entire crowd scattering into the night. One massive unit of young and older heading towards each possible exit, avoiding possible arrest. And tonight the warehouse was packed.  
  
In the lead tonight was Jim, as usual, pushing and weaving through the chaos before the police would show up and it got even crazier. Twisting around and hopping into the air to get a quick glimpse of the tops of his friends heads, just to make sure they were still behind him. Once at least one familiar head was spotted right back around he would turn carving a path through towards freedom.  
  
The others were too far behind and Jim tried to give them enough time to catch up, normally in situations like this it could turn into an every man for himself scenario quickly. But Jim believed in a good soldier never leaves a man behind, or some variation of that. So he fought off the flight instinct.  
  
He couldn't afford to get caught again though, or he'd be stuck picking up trash all summer. He'd run out of strikes for his shenanigans after the whole food fight thing a couple months ago. Things were going great tonight too, why did some jerk have to go and ruin it for everyone. And Jim had an inkling on who the culprit was.  
  
When Jim was about three feet away from the exit, a strong hand gripped his wrist, fingers encircling it tight. He didn't take the time to look back to see who the hand belonged to but trusting it, he weaved and pushed through the remaining sea of bodies while pulling person attached along with him.  
  
Once finally through the door Jim broke out into a run while still dragging along whoever was behind him. Down the hallways out the side door down the dock way and finally out into the streets. The night was cold and misty for April.  
  
After a few more seconds of running Jim finally turned back to check who was behind him, seeing Leonard being the one holding onto him trying his hardest to stay while his girlfriend Jocelyn held onto him in the same fashion with Gaila behind her.  
  
"Wheres the others?" Jim called behind him as he pulled them along the streets while other party goers scattered into other directions.  
  
"They were behind us!" Gaila called out turning her head quickly behind her then back her red curls whirling around her face.  
  
"Back here!"  
  
Jim tugged the line behind a couple parked cars. Each crouched down behind the cars peeking behind them as a fire truck rushed by. Each keeping an eye out for the rest of the group.  
  
Right behind them rounding the corner, the others came into view. Nyota in the lead with Liz, Janice, Christine and Sulu all holding fast to each other forming the same kind of chain to stay together. Finally all grouped back together they picked themselves back up and ran up the street.  
  
Cutting through the park, they all finally stopped seeking refugee in the darkness. The sounds of gasping and breathless laughing in the darkness.  
  
"Shit it's dark. OK. Everyone not arrested, or dead sound off." Leonard grunted breathlessly.  
  
"Well most of us are here but I think we lost Gary." Christine pointed out.  
  
"I swear he was right behind us."  
  
Each other them calling out to Gary in harsh whispers. Gary would be the one to be left behind. He needed to do less drinking and more cardio, he'd get on him about that once they found him. "Hope he wasn't caught, I really don't need his parents blaming me for anymore of his shit."  
  
On cue, Jim's phone vibrated in his pocket he didn't even have to look to know who it was. "Gary where the hell are you?" Jim hissed into his phone.  
  
"Where are you?! And why are you yelling? I'm the abandoned one."  
  
"Shut up. Where are you?  
  
"Uh..." there was a pause and muffled noises in the background. "Uh in front of the book store..."  
  
"We'll we're in the park near the picnic area, so get over here and don't get your ass caught this time."  
  
"Aye Captain!"  
  
A few long moments past as they waited for Gary to catch up everyone pulled out their phones checking the time. It wasn't even 11:30 yet. Everyone's faces eliminated by the phone screens in blue light.  
  
The parties that were held in the warehouse docks were always the best but notoriously short. They would start around nine-ish but they would usually end before eleven, one way or another. Either by police intervention or someone doing something stupid. This time it was the fire alarm, which was a shame because this one had looked like it would have gone to at least an hour more if it weren't for that.  
  
Soon enough Gary came bounding through the dark launching himself onto Jim's back nearly knocking him over. "I return alive!"  
  
"Wonderful, get off me." Gary peeled himself away from Jim. "So is everyone here now?"  
  
"Aye Captain everyone accounted for."  
  
"Whew, that's like, the fastest we've ever bailed, I think that's a new record guys." Jim said leaning against a tree habitually looking down at his phone again.  
  
"Wonderful. I'll inform Guinness world records." Leonard's voice grumbled from his right.  
  
"It's crap though, that's the longest a warehouse party lasted."  
  
"Yeah I know I thought it never end." Gary laughed but his laughing quickly tapered off when each eliminated face turned towards him. "Whups."  
  
"So it was you!"  
  
"I knew it, its always you."  
  
"Gary!"  
  
"Again?"  
  
"You're welcome!" Jim's inkling was correct Gary had pulled the fire alarm, again.  
  
"You ass jacket!" Leonard and Jim leapt onto Gary. "I'll kill you!" Jim asked hooking his arm around Gary's neck and wrestled him in a headlock.  
  
"You wouldn't you love me!" Gary rasped from under Jim's arm.  
  
"What's the matter with you?! I can't take you anywhere anymore!”  
  
"I just love to see them scatter! It's a compulsion! I'm sorry! I need help!"  
  
"Damn right you do." Leonard barked pulling Gary's jacket over his head and pushed him forwards before Jim let him go. "Should have just left you there."  
  
Gary flipped his jacket back over and made a hurt face while, Liz reached over and punched him in the shoulder. The others picked up chunks of dirt and grass to throw at him. Christine chucked a shoe.  
  
"Now what?" Christine asked crawling across the grass back to her original spot after retrieving her shoe. "It's not even midnight yet. I don't wanna go home yet."  
  
They all sat in silence sending all their disappointment and spite Gary's way for ruining another night to his stupid impulse to pull fire alarms. Moments passed and Gary finally broke the steely silence with news.  
  
"Ok so, Kelso just texted me, looks like some are regrouping for a confab downtown. A house this time. Who's game?" Gary said looking up from his phone. Everyone still glowering at him. "Hey you can all just sit there and continue to hate me or we could just migrate it's up to you."  
  
"Fine but if you screw this up any more I'm not going back for you. Fend for youself you jackal.”  
  
Gary feigned hurt. "And I thought we had something special."  
  
"You gotta earn my love Mitchell." Jim clapped his hands together getting up off the ground. "Alright ladies, shoes on and on your feet. The night is still young and we have a house to desecrate." Everyone perking up with the hope that the night could be salvaged after all.


	2. Jim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time Jump lets estimate a year

I woke up on the couch shirtless, sticky and my neck stiff from the unnatural position it was in. The house was still dark, blinds closed, but all the lights still on from the night before. The room covered in shaving cream and silly string, smelling of a mix of smoke, sweat and beer. The sticky film of dried shaving cream on my skin, a dull throbbing in the back of my head and my lower back like I'd been hit.   
  
Both Janice and Gaila lay on either side of me, passed out with their arms around me. Everyone else around me still seemed to be out, the usual group and even a few I couldn't remember the names of scattered among them. Some with random marks drawn on their faces in red, some with post it notes stuck to themselves.  
  
I held my breath and managed to slip out from under both of them without waking either and stumble across the room. Over more unconscious couples laying tangled together along the floor, half clothed.  
  
I passed through the messy living room trying to work out the kink in my neck while simultaneously scanning the floor for my shoes, when   
  
a wadded up T-shirt appeared hitting me square in the face, scaring the hell out of me. It was a little damp and smelled like smoke. Quickly I whipped it off my face to face my attacker.   
  
Nyota casually standing in the doorway to the kitchen drying her hands with a paper towel.  
  
“Morning.” She acknowledged me simply.   
  
“Thought you were Gary for a second.” I said grabbing my chest in overdramatic relief, glad that it wasnt Gary then Id have to help clean up. “How long you been awake?”  
  
She shrugged “About a half hour I guess.”   
  
“You always wake up looking like that?” I asked spotting my left shoe from across the living room. While everyone was all half clothed and trashed from the pool and other shenanigans the night before, she already looked neat and put together. And I thought I bounced back quickly.   
  
“Jealous?”  
  
“Beyond belief.” I probably looked like a train wreck compared to her. She smirked and turned back to the table, taking long strides to her chair where her shoes waited for her.  I turned back carefully while covertly scoping her bare legs as she sat down, one crossed over the other, leaning over while she strapped on a shoe.   
  
Damn, Nyota was all legs. Not that the rest of her wasn't amazing, because it was, but her legs were what hooked me in. Many a fantasy about legs like that. And not only was she hot but obscenely smart. Why she chose hang around us instead of the other hard core honor students I'd never know.   
  
Though she never gave me the light of day, or time of night. My usual 'boyish' charm had no effect on her. Nyota had been shooting me down hard since we met. But that never stopped me from the odd flirt now and then now that we were friends.    
  
She glanced up at me catching me in the act, so I quickly switch my gaze from her legs to messy floor in the form of a long stretch and even throwing in an artful spin on my heel to avoid eye contact. “Just....looking for my shoes.”  I mumbled, which was true after all. I gave her one last quick glance then sifted through the debris a bit.  
  
“Smooth Kirk.” She just rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair. “Cute face you have going though.”  
  
“What?”  Nyota pointed to her face and tapped the tip of her nose lightly.   Confused, I reached up and wiped my nose with my finger resulting in a red smudge on my fingertip.  
  
I stalked down the dark hallway to the bathroom and peeked in actually surprised to find or rather not find, anyone passed out on the floor, for once. Sure it was covered in crap and all like everything else but not having someone's head stuck in the toilette was something new.   
  
Early morning sunlight already shining through the bathroom skylight gave enough light for me to see my way around without having to find the switches to flip on the lights.  Padding over to the sink, I looked into the mirror to scope out my condition.  And just as I expected, a train wreck. My jeans stained with shaving cream, the rest of me sticky dried to my skin.   
  
But I saw what Nyota had meant about a cute face.  Smeared red lines of lipstick drawn across my cheeks in what I assume had been cat whiskers and a dot on the tip of my nose. Nice, I hadn't noticed if anyone else had whiskers and wondered who's idea that had been. Probably Gaila. At least it wasn't Sharpie.   
  
I squinted at myself in the mirror, white shave cream residue and dried brightly colored foam matted into my hair. First thing I quickly washed the scum and lipstick off my hands and face, then quickly combed my fingers through my dry tousled hair, pulling out bits of silly string. After a few minutes of staring blankly at my tired fuzzy reflection, I noticed two people behind me in the mirror passed out in the bathtub. Both covered in white foam and colored string.   
  
Sulu taking up most of the bathtub, his shirt half off twisted around his neck and shoulders. Christine beside him, her dark eye makeup smeared under her eyes like blueish black oil paint, with one gold booted leg hanging over the side. Considering the positions they were in they actually looked comfortable.  
  
Both Chris and Sulu had been spared the lipstick tagging but not from purple sticky notes stuck to their foreheads. I inched closer curious what was written on the notes stuck to their faces.  I couldn't really read the one on Sulu's face very well, with further squinting I miraculously managed to make out the word “Virgin” from the sloppy scribbles. But the one on Christine's face clearly said “Freak” in curvy careless writing.   
  
 Gary and Gaila seemed to have tag teamed with these two. The first one was clearly Gary's work, the second one I knew was Gaila's lovely handwriting, even when drunk she was still managed nice penmanship. I snatched each off crumpled and threw them off to the side, before either of them woke up.  
  
While I mulled over the brief impulse of turning on the shower when Nyota appeared next to me from behind. Stopping to lean against my shoulder she slapped a purple sticky note with the letters “POA” onto my chest. Probably one she'd been bestowed. We glanced at each other then back Chris and Sulu.  
  
I tried to remember how the whole post-it thing last night even started, most likely after the shaving cream/silly string war and definitely after the lipstick tagging.  I was glad that I pulled the notes off of them before she saw them, before Nyota went all mama bear on anyone.   
  
“But they look so innocent.”   
  
“We should wake them up.” Nyota said in a low voice leaning in.   
  
“Kay.”  I said simply and I gave her a big cheekey smile as she shot me a dark look. “What?!”  
  
“Don't even THINK about turning the shower on.”  Nyota just gave me a quick sharp glance, oh great she was psychic too. I gave her a over dramatic hurt face. “I know you Kirk, don't even.”  
  
“What are you saying Im a role model and an angel.” I smiled again but she just made a face and gave me a light slap on the cheek. “Just grab your shit and lets go. Go on.” Kneeing me in the thigh.   
  
 I shrugged shamelessly and left the bathroom. Tripping back down the dim hallway, successfully unearthing my other missing shoe in the process. Like I would actually turn the shower on those two while they slept, even though they had done it plenty of times to me. Nyota would have my head on a pike.  
  
After Bones bailed from hanging out for a while the role of caretaker had fallen to Nyota. Mainly she watched out for Christine but since she and Sulu had formed the buddy system  as of late he too somehow became her responsibly.  And on the off chance Checkov managed to tag along we all watched over him like hawks.   
  
The last kickback we had, Checkov had unfortunately learned about the whole 'shoe' rule the hard way. We did our best to look out for him when we could, but safest way was just to stay away, for now at least, the kid was Russian for god's sake, he'd probably be able to drink us all under the table is permitted. But then again being the youngest out of all of us, he really didn't really need anymore of the corruption that is James Kirk.   
  
Yet.    
  
Finally locating Gary, passed out on the stairs complete with shaving cream/silly string gore and lipstick whiskers. His arm lazily handing over the side of the stairs through the bars. He looked so content as he lightly snored into the carpet. I could feel Nyota creeping up behind me from the hallway while I tugged my shoes on.   
  
We both surveyed that damage. “So...help clean up a bit or bail completely?”  We looked at each other then back at the general vicinity, we both already knew the answer.  
  
The house wasn't really trashed. Mostly just messy. Riddled with the usual red cups, beer cans and discarded clothing. Some pictures askew on the walls. The worst was the aftermath of the shaving cream/silly string war, colored streaks and foam residue clinging to the walls, furniture and the carpet.  That was going to be the biggest bitch to clean. And I wished Gary the best of luck with that. From the bottom of my heart really.   
  
Because rule number one: your party, your mess. Scotty taught us that. And damn did I miss Scotty, why'd he have to graduate and go to the academy. Leaving us behind.  Sulu and Christine appeared behind us just then groggy but seemingly ready to bail out too.  
  
 I crept up closer to Gary around the side of the stairs  and whispered, “Happy birthday buddy! Love ya!” Kissing my hand and patting him on the head.    
  
“Class act Kirk.” Christine remarked.   
  
“What do you want to stay and clean this shit up? Anyone? No? Ok lets go, chop chop!” I urged clapping my hands and trotting to the door, gracefully hopping over the last few floor obstacles on the ground.  
  
“Wait what about Gaila?”  Sulu asked quickly tugging on his jacket.  
  
“What about Gaila?”  
  
“She is your girlfriend.”  Not really. “You just going to leave her there?”   
  
“She'll be fine.” I mumbled, pulling open the door and slipping through it as quietly and agile as I could.  I should have probably felt bad for just leaving Gaila there on Gary's couch without saying bye. Especially since we arrived together, but she'd be fine. Besides we had everyone, sans Gaila, in our group awake and ready to leave.  
  
We each filed out the door the sun felt brighter than it should have been when we excited the house. The cool morning air shocking compared to the warm musty air from inside. Everyone's clothes and hair disarray, tired faces, walking home in clothes we slept in.   
  
All with no shame whatsoever.   
  
“What time is it?”  
  
On cue everyone pulled out their phones.  It was around 8:45 am on saturday. The streets were still somewhat empty but slowly coming to life. I liked the quiet mornings after an all nighter like this, and really didn't look forward to going back to school Monday.   
  
“Going to go home and sleep till sunday.” Sulu said cracking his neck. “Still have to finish that essay ugh.”  
  
“Finish? It's not even due till next friday.”  
  
“And I'm almost done.” He grinned. Of course he was almost done, it was Sulu. You give him a project and a deadline and he'd finish half of it in a day. I'd still hadn't started, I supposed I'd do it later in the day, give me something productive to do. I had excellent last minute homework skills and still managed semi genius level, it was a gift.   
  
I could use a shower and a longer nap really. I'd study for science later. Once we reached the next corner, we decided to split off.  Nyota and Sulu leaving with Christine, leaving me heading home alone.  “Guess I'll see you guys later.”   
  
“You sure you don't want to tag along? Kill some time before heading home?”  It was tempting, especially since I really didn't feel like going home yet, but they were all heading to Christine's place, it was nice and all that but from my experiences her place was just as empty as mine if not more so.   
  
“Nah I'm good , I'll just walk reallly slow.”   
  
I waved goodbye and turned to walk down the street but stopped when Christine called out to me. “By the way Kirk. Just thought I'd let you know. Its says 'Poke' on your ass.”  She pointed out while walking past me, giving it a pat on the way.   
  
“What?”  I patted the back of my jeans as they walked away. There was indeed another sticky note that I completely missed, with the word 'Poke' in big letters with an arrow pointing down.  
  
“Dammit Gary!” I crumpled it up and dropped it along with the “POA” still stuck to the front of my shirt. 'Have fun cleaning up ass.' I thought to myself. I rubbed my eyes and stretched again. And suddenly I was standing alone again on the corner.   
  
I'd decided to take the long way home, taking slow striding steps eating up as much time as I could. Maybe I'd pass by Bone's house, see what he was up to. Sounded good. Wasn't like I had anything to go back to.  
  
While halfway down the street I realized the shirt I was wearing, which was inside out, wasn't mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if everyone's intro chapter will be this long, but I'll know once I knock everyone's planned intro chapter out of the way


	3. Bones

  
Another morning and I was up before eight.  Even if it was a saturday. Mom and Pop were still sleep so the house was quiet while I walked through the living room to the kitchen. Carefully opening the curtains letting the rising sunshine in.  I liked the early morning it was peaceful and a promise for a new day.  
  
Walking back into the hallway the door to my room cracked a little I peeked in a quick moment, the room still dark with curtains drawn. All safe and secure. I'd then turned to leave, stopping when I heard a soft fussy cry.  
  
Pushing the door open carefully I crept into the dark room, holding my breath to keep the peace and slowly approached the crib in the corner of the room. Hoping she'd calm herself down and go back to sleep for at least another hour.  
  
The sounds Joanna made were more like the the sound of a mewing kitten rather than a baby crying. Joanna didn't really cry much, even when she was born. Just made soft whining sounds, my little kitten.  
  
I leaned over the railing and stretched my arm out to her, dragging my index finger down the bridge of her nose to calm her, she liked that. But instead of settling down her eyes opened quickly and looked up. I just looked down and smiled.  
  
“Morning Jo. Dreaming?” I asked her in a low deep voice careful not to startle her. Her big bright eyes stare up at me and her face twitches into what looks like the makings of a smile. Her little hand reaches out for mine and tiny fragile fingers wrap around my index finger. Melting my insides all over again.  
  
Everyone said she had my face, my eyes and nose and even my ever present 'grump face'.  But I could clearly see Jocelyn's face in her smile. Every time. I stifle down the swell of resentment and bitterness aside for Joanna's sake. I'll resent Jocelyn on my own time.  
  
Now is Joanna's time, as much of it as I could cram into each day. As limited as it was.  
  
“Come here you.” I reach over and down into the crib. Gently I pick her up, still wrapped in her lavender blanket sprinkled with blue flowers. Raising her up I cradle her tiny form against my chest her head resting against my shoulder, she mews again then sighs. She's warm and soft against me and I can feel her breathing into the crook of my neck. Swaying back and forth I lightly hum to her as she snuggles closer to me.  
  
I walk over to the window and pull the curtains open a little letting some light in and I rest my cheek on the top of her head. It wasn't that long ago she hadn't even existed and now I couldn't imagine how life without her, like she'd always been here.  
  
My little Joanna. Mine.

It was such a bizarre situation still. Never had I expected to be in this situation. It's crazy how one careless night could change your life forever. Though being a dad felt oddly like second nature now. I knew what cries meant food, or to be picked up or to be changed.  In a weird way I'd always taken care of everyone before. Watching out for everyone making sure they were alright, had their school work done. Especially when Jim came into the picture. Always seeking attention wherever he could I could feel the desperation in his actions. It was the Doctor in me, they would tell me. But now med school seemed like a far off dream.

Since she was born I haven't been able to want to put her down.  Even if I was terrified to hold her in the very beginning.  Afraid I could hurt her somehow or she wouldn't like me and just cry. Now even being a room apart from her was too far away.  Every moment with her was precious to me. Since I didn't know how much time together we'd have left.  
  
The tightness in my chest crept up again as I held her closer. The thought of ever letting her go still kills me inside, but its for her sake. Her being taken away from me now still an ever growing inevitability. I had agreed to it after all. Only this time it was really happening. I knew the deal I'd made with my parents. I'd look through the families that allowed me to still be a part of her life.  One that was close by and one that I felt was worthy of her. The idea of letting her go felt like someone reaching in and ripping my lungs out.  
  
And I still couldn't understand how Jocelyn could have just gave her away so easily. How could she not want her? Thing was adoption hadn't been Jocelyn's idea. At one point she had wanted to keep her. It was her parents had planted the idea.  
  
And after months of intense arguing and chewing us out about how we were too young to be parents and the kid deserved a real family, her parents had poisoned her against the idea of keeping the baby no matter what I said.  
  
So when she was born, I took her, named her and made it my responsibility of choosing who'd she'd end up with. And that was the last I'd heard form Jocelyn and her parents. But every time I held her, fed her and changed her the attachment to her grew. And I wanted to keep her. And I had fought to keep her more and more.  
  
 She was my daughter, my responsibility and I would take care of her. Even if I had to put my past ambitions behind me for now. I argued and yelled and resisted. But Mom and Pop were right, It was for her own good. And mine I suppose. I couldn't take care of her by myself and I knew that. She deserved a real family. And I ‘deserved’ a future.  
  
And I had agreed to it once again only if I could pick the family. But I would use any excuse not to pick one. I didn't trust them, they didn't look right, they didn't want me a part of her life. And my stalling worked for awhile until a couple months ago.  
  
It had all happened so fast I didn't really see it coming until I suddenly found myself backed into a corner with adoption papers thrown in front of me. I'd looked at the family after a long fight and  begrudgingly agreed to meet them. They met all the standards I'd set up along the months which just made me feel worse.  And I would be meeting them in a few weeks.  
  
Thinking about someone else raising her, teaching her to walk, to speak throwing her her first birthday filled me with unspeakable heartbreak I could barely talk about it. Even if the replacement family was up for me still being a large part of her life. Giving my six month old daughter to two strangers for them to raise and call her their own. She wasn't a pet that I couldn't take care of she was my daughter.  
  
But this would be good for her, they were good people. And I'd still be in her life. She would always know how much I love her and that I wasn't abandoning her because I didn't want her. I would make sure she never felt unloved.  
  
“Lenny.”  I froze when Mom's voice gently called from the doorway.  I turned towards her and glanced up. “You alright honey?” She asked me gently her forehead wrinkled with concern. I caught myself sniff and blinked hard a couple times. I hadn't realized I'd been crying until just now, tears silently running town my cheeks soaking into the little pink cap on Joanna's head.  
  
“Yeah.”  I grunted, turning back around wiping my cheek with the back of my hand quickly. “Really Ma I'm fine.”  
  
I waited quietly listening to Mom's slippered feet shuffle away from the door. Joanna was already back asleep, breathing softly into my chest, her little hands curling into my shirt. I thought about putting her down now that she was asleep again. But then thought, five more minutes. I hummed gently into the top of her cap again, savoring the feel of her in my arms while I could.  
  
No one else knew about this arrangement, and they wouldn't. Not for awhile.  They'd find out soon enough anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mm not as extensive as the others but it'll do


	4. Christine

I didn't bother about being quiet entering the door, being as loud as I wanted, throwing my keys on the side table and my shoes onto the floor. No need with excuses as to where I had been or the party behind me since no one was home, no one to appeal to. Usually I let everyone use my empty town house as a cover or some kind of check point. Give them a chance to clean up and rest before they went home.  
  
Juvenile I know, but its worked since ninth grade and everyone's parents have been none the wiser. That or they didn't care.  Sometimes I'd wished that Mom would be home at least once to see me trip home at weird hours with everyone trailing behind me. I'd always been tempted to even throw my own party here but rule number one wasn't worth it.  
  
She probably wouldn't have cared though, as long as I didn’t come crawling up the front half dead or missing an eye or something she'd be fine. Though if dad were still around he might have especially with the way I was dressed and having guys with me. But he wasn't here so screw him.  
  
They knew the drill already, heading for my bathroom to take turns cleaning up, while I moved down to the second bath in Mom's room. Passing through her dark room, the bed she rarely slept in made neatly.  My pale tired face, and makeup smeared down my face. Traces of shaving cream and stupid silly string sticking to my clothes and skin, filmy and gross.  
  
 With a wet tissue I wiped the smeared black eye shadow and remaining foundation off my cheeks and from under my eyes. Slowly revealing the natural dark circles the makeup usually hid nicely.  Without the layers of dark eye shadow I looked at least three years younger than with it.  I didn't feel like myself without some kind of color on my face. Without it I felt exposed.  
  
I didn't wear as much as I used to. I was able to apply it with more artistic tastefulness now, not as dark or dramatic. Back then, I would apply so much on that it would smear too easily and stain my face for hours after. Even after all the scrubbing. Or the 'feral raccoon' as Kirk would refer to it. School repeatedly told me it was a dress code violation, my mother hated it, and so did my stupid ex-boyfriend. And if Dad were here he would too, which is why I would do it.    
  
But that wasn't me anymore. She was a completely different person as far as I'm concerned and I'd left her back at the clinic and thats where she was going to stay. No matter how many times she escaped and clung onto me.  That lying, emaciated thief, She'd almost killed me and no way I would let her come back. Even if she threatened to. Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, something, combing the tangles and silly string out of my hair, I examined myself. I didn't think I looked sick, never did. Just tired.  
  
Turning away I pattered back to my room to change.  
  
I leaned across my bureau in my room and looked into the mirror again. Mechanically picking up the eyeliner pencil laying idly and twiddled it in my fingers for a moment. Effortlessly I drew it on carefully, outlining my lids lightly at first.  Taking a step back I looked at myself.  I tried not to wear so much makeup anymore.  
  
Applying makeup had become second nature to me and I took a bit of an artist's pride in this skill. I had spent hours in my room practicing different styles and color combinations.  Light shadows eyeliners. Different colors, shades, different styles of false eyelashes. By my sophomore year the smokey eye was my specialty.  
  
Mother didn't like it. She would say that too much makeup was tacky and that I had such pretty grey eyes, why overshadow them with such trashy colors? By the time I'd perfected my makeup application skills,  I had no idea that I could be harboring a nearly lethal identity crisis.  
  
The makeup thing was before the eating thing, that much I know but the eating thing didn't come from the makeup thing. I have to stress that, if it makes any sense at all.  Makeup was fun, always thought it was. Eating on the other hand wasn't so much.  
  
While both Nyota and Hikaru were occupied slid into the kitchen where there was already a tupperware case on the kitchen counter that I'd noticed before. Which I quietly ignored heading to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. In the fridge there even more plastic cases stacked and labeled.  
  
A system the shrink had set up for my Mother, who quickly pawned it off to everyone else, to get me to eat while I was alone. Since I wouldn't prepare my own meals, Mom hired someone to fix a specify meal plan and schedular. Organized with hours and days on which I should eat and when.  This “fool proof” system was checked every week by my therapist, and the schools counselor Pike or one of my friends. If I skipped something or it didn't look like I finished enough whoever noticed would narc to Pike who would tell my therapist. And I really didn't want that.  
  
Though I really should appreciate the concern and initiative to make sure I ate, so I wouldn't have to get a sponsor to supervise me again. But it really was more irritating than anything else. Hated the fuss of it all. Because I did eat now, I wasn't anorexic anymore.  I was better.  I just hated eating in front of people.  
  
Picking up the tupperware case with the sticky note on the lid saying “Saturday.”  after peeling the off the lid, quietly I stared at the contents. Celery and carrot sticks neatly lined up next to each other. And a sandwich cut up into four small triangles.  
  
 I grabbed two celery sticks, three carrot sticks and two triangles out and set them aside. Then I took the remaining sticks and broke every other one of them in half and arranged them around a little. As for  the remaining two triangles I wrapped them up in plastic wrap carefully. All the while feeling the cold tingle of the 'raccoon' run up my spine.  
  
Fighting the impulse to just throw all of it in the trash and be done with it, she was suggesting. But no, it was best to push her away and ignore her prodding. I didn't like wasting food honestly. So instead of throwing it away like I used to, I’d usually shared it with Hikaru or Kirk, who as long as they saw me eat something they wouldn't say anything.    
  
Flinching I hurried up when I heard them coming down the stairs talking about something. Quickly before I was caught, I shoved the half sandwich back into the container and replaced the lid on the vegetable sticks and put the case and sandwich stack back in the fridge. I would eat the rest later. Like Sunday morning later. But at least I would eat them, even if it took me forever.    
  
And that, everyone, is me cheating said 'System'. Hold the applause.  
  
I got what I needed and as long as it looked like I touched them enough there was no problem. It was easiest to do this when I was home alone, but it was the school lunches and the snacks that were harder. They were the ones that were checked closest and they would watch me.  
  
While Nyota and Hikaru finally entered the kitchen, I glanced up a moment to see them well put back together and changed, but not looking like they were going to leave any time soon. Busying myself with arranging the vegetable sticks and one slice of sandwich on a plate. Then rearranging them again, and again, until I felt it looked right.  
  
“Christine.”  
  
I was lost in thought, staring at the plate in front of me, like it was some kind of obstacle I had to climb. I guess if you think about it it technically was. I finally looked up, Nyota staring at me from across the counter. “So you going to eat that?”  
  
“Eventually.”  I said taking the carrot stick in my hands snapping it in half. Then began to rearrange the plate all over again.  
  
 I can't quite pinpoint the moment food became the enemy. It could be a whole slew of reasons as to why I'm the screwed up stick figure I am today. It's not because I think I could lose a few pounds or afraid of getting fat or anything. aI think a lot of this had do to with my parents. They had divorced each other when I was thirteen.  Both were so preoccupied with their own problems, I decided to start dieting to see if they noticed. They didn't. No one did really. Including me.  
  
“Christine....” Nyota grumbled a warning at me from across the counter again. I thought quickly about how to change the subject, a distraction trick I picked up. Along with rearranging the food. I opened my mouth to say something but she was already a step ahead of me. “Christine Chapel. Don't try distraction shit with me, you know it's not going to work.”

Nyota, beautiful, smart and confident Nyota. I guess I could consider her my closest friend, now. I liked her, I trusted her.  She watched out for me, took responsibility to make sure I didn't pass out in the hallways or something. I know it's because she felt bad for not noticing sooner. It had to get as far as me nearly dying to finally realize something was wrong with me.

Hikaru just made a face and shrugged as if to apologize for not being able to cover for me anymore. He mumbled something about his book bag and notes and retreated, while Nyota stayed leaning against the counter waiting for me to take the first bite of something. And I knew she wouldnt leave until she did. So I obliged.  It took me almost an hour to finish the plate but I’d done it successfully. And honestly was proud of myself. There was no crushing sense of failure or disgust with myself.  
  
I'd spent almost my entire summer at a clinic to recovering from all of this, but I always felt like everyone kept waiting for me to relapse and be worse off than I had been before.  I'd always been a picky eater, ever since I was really little. If it smelled or looked funny no way in hell was I eating it.

And that is was what I reffered to as Phase One, the beggining ticks and habits just started to form.

Phase Two was when I'd started doing it for attention.  
  
Dad was busy working mom was busy bitching about dad, I would experiment with how long I could go without touching the food that the nanny of the moment left out for me until someone noticed. Rarely anyone but the nanny did. Phase two of this had begun halfway through middle school, Mom and Dad’s divorce finally almost final, both out of the house and me being too old for a nanny, I was left alone.  
  
When the rebellion phase set in, I tried even more little stunts, from altering my school uniform by raising the hem a few centimeters every week until someone noticed. Wearing increasingly darker makeup to school or even when I was just home alone. But I never outwardly disrupted class, I kept my mouth shut and my grades were fine so they couldn't say I was doing anything wrong other than violating the dress code which everyone else was already doing. But these little shenanigans were tame compared to what would come later.  
  
Like pilfering money and pain killers from my mothers bathroom or purse, or drinking until my body ached. Staying out later and later each night. I knew everyone at school talked about me like I was some kind of creature to be feared.  
  
That was two sides of me I separated into Chrissy and Chrstine. Chrissy was a different being than Christine. Chrissy was the one with the dark makeup, that stole from my parents and lied to everyone else. That donned her sparkly dresses and partook in happy pills. The thing about the students here at the academy was the master skill of keeping school separate from outside life.

And I’d mastered keeping Christine and Chrissy two separate beings. Each had different clothes, different hair styles and attitudes. Sometimes facade cracks and everyone else pretends not to notice. I wasn’t the only one with the eating disorder, I was just the first one they chose to acknowledge.  
  
And after awhile the two of halves of myself silently agreed only one could survive. By sophomore year I was already being a ticking time bomb, it was only a matter of time for someone to come along and detonate. And that person finally came along.  
  
Roger.  
  
Phase three was pretty much out of anger towards everything. Roger, my parents divorce, no one even caring. I dealt with my anger in the only way I could think of, retreating into myself.  And after only three months I didn't realize how worn and messed up I really was.  And then eating just became this impossible thing. And I had become pretty good at avoiding it.  
  
My repertoire of excuses consisted of being on a diet, or I had already eaten, I was a vegetarian, I was vegan, allergic etc. The one thing that I had gotten pretty good at was the distraction method. I learned it from watching some of the girls at school one day while at school, Gaila especially. Noticing that the more they talked and moved their food around people would be distracted enough to not even realize they’d hadn't even finished her food.  
  
Surprisingly effective. Only since I wasn't much of a talker like she was, I’d gone to either changing the subject quickly or arranging my food enough to make it look like I’d actually eaten parts of it. But now Nyota and Leonard were on to me, so that method was pretty much moot now.  
  
But for a long while it had worked and it became almost like a game, how long could I go without  someone noticing and telling me something, or caving and eating something. A game I’d become quite good at. Until it started to catch up with me. And people started to notice.  
  
But not by not seeing me eat, but by suddenly noticing how I never took off my sweater. I’d just say that I was cold and to get lost. And one day particularly I was so set off by all of it and snapped one of my teachers after he’d asked if I was feeling well. I don't remember anything from the story Nyota told me of what happened next. None of me saying that my chest hurt and that I couldn't breath. Or passing out in the hallway.  
  
I woke up in the hospital a few hours later. Mother and Father outside of my room arguing about how it was each other's fault that they didn't notice that I had a problem. Nyota in tears. Scared for me, angry at me for not telling her, and angry at herself for not noticing. She apologized to me, I couldn't understand why, why was she sorry? I’d reduced myself to eighty eight pounds. I was the one who let a guy effect my life so drastically. That was all on me, but I could see why she felt guilty.  
  
Nyota was always protective of the things and people she cared most about. Almost the same way Leonard kept vigil over Jim. And god knew Jim needed it. I could see the same desperation for attention and life in him that I had, only he dealt with it chasing a good time he couldn’t seem to find.  
  
And him hanging around Mitchel wasn’t helping. Gary seemed well put together but just because he’d never been caught with his pants down didn’t mean he was perfect. Gary was due for a crash and burn and and it was only a matter of time until it happened. And it did worry me that he could possibly take Jim down with him. Especially with Leonard out of the loop for now.  
  
Of course me being me I kept most of these observations to myself. I kept my own watch over everyone, until I found a way to help myself I wasn’t qualified to help anyone else.  
  
But I was getting better. Really.


	5. Jim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than it should have.
> 
> Again there's no real pattern to this story, and not everyone will get one of these back story intro chapters. They connect in my own weird nonlinear way, it may alternate from drabble form to story arc.   
> Cool thanks for reading.

Just as expected, there Bones was out front sitting on the porch swing, with baby Joanna in his lap. Rocking back and forth gently on the porch swing. I stood there for a moment and watched them together from the sidewalk.   
  
The fact that Bones had a daughter was still a trip. Neither of us would had seen that coming in a million years. But in a weird way it didn’t feel like that foreign a concept, at least to me. Bones had always a dad-like way about him already.   
  
Protective, mature and patient. He was amazing with her. Everything I’d imagined a father to be. And I admired him deeply for it. He’d practically dropped everything for Joanna. From what I remembered he fought pretty hard to keep her. Even putting his plans of becoming a doctor on hold for a bit. And he would make a great doctor one day. Though his bedside manner could use a little work. Smacking your patients and berating them about safety wasn't exactly very doctorly and I often told him so.   
  
Yeah Bones was cranky, bit short tempered and uptight sometimes but next to Gary, he was my best friend. He had this cynical humor and a solid mind about him that I really liked and we inexplicably got along. I couldn’t remember how I became friends with him exactly, our friendship was just like that. Out of all of my friends I trusted him most.  Bones was also the only one to really know any of my history and medical hangups. He was the first one I’d had an asthma attack in front of.  In short he was cool.   
  
I stood there for a moment more continuing to watch them almost unwilling to impose on their together time until Bones spotted me first.  I walked up the path to the porch and waved. “Morning Bones!”   
  
“Well, look what the cat dragged in.”  He said sitting the baby up on his lap, she looked up at me innocent and wide eyed. So cute, in her little blue onesee and dark curly pigtails. She looked just like him. “Up to your usual hijinks I see.”  
  
“Yep yep.” I knelt down and wave my fingers in front of Joanna's face. “Hi JoJo.” She blinked and cooed, reaching out a tiny hand towards me. She was so cute, and all him.  “How’s my favorite girl?!”  
  
“Hey! You stay away from her. Who knows were you've been.”  He said looking over my post party self and cradling her closer to his chest protectively. I held my hands up in defense and sat down on the porch step.  
  
“Fair enough.”   
  
“So why you here hm?” Bones asked giving me his usual stink eye the inflection in his voice suggesting he already knew.  
  
“What? I can't come visit my best friend and his daughter on a Saturday morning?” I gave him a cheeky smile.  
  
“Why are you avoiding Sam this time?” He asked plainly, blatantly ignoring my question. I gave him that 'holy hell you're psychic again' look and he just sighed.  “He called last night looking for you.”  
  
“Oh. And?”  
  
“He wanted to know where you were, since you disappeared so quickly last night, he wanted to see if you were still alive. And since neither you or any of you other miscreants never answer your phones.”   I took a look at my phone again and sure enough four missed calls from sam. Whups. “Why have them if you never answer them?” He grumbled.  
  
“So?” I repeated in the same flat voice. Hoping to hell he covered for me. He sighed heavily and gave me a look.  
  
“I told him you weren't here, probably with Gary and most likely alive. After you drunk texted me with something about balloons and applesauce, I texted him saying you were with Gary and you were fine.” Balloons and applesauce? Defiantly didn't remember that one.  
  
“Not exactly a good cover but I'll take it.”  
  
“So why you avoiding him this time?” Bones asked me again, I didn't answer. I honestly had no real reason to be mad at Sam. His job required him to travel and when he had to go he had to go. Which meant I had about ten days all to myself. I couldn’t help but harbor a small resentment for him going off though. But I wouldn’t mention it.  
  
I had picked living here than in the student dorms or even back in Iowa. And it didn’t help that Mom has decided to take up calling every evening. Which is why I silenced my phone indefinitely.  Bones knew I had a long track record of just up and leaving to avoid an unpleasant situation. Whether it be avoiding someone or cleaning up after a party.  
  
“I’m not avoiding him. I’m avoiding rule number one.” I told him with a bat of my eyes. Just as Bones opened his mouth to most likely berate me I interjected. “Spare me the lecture Bones please? It's too early for it.”  
  
“Then get your ass home.” He added covering Joanna's ears with both hands, to spare her from his language.   
  
I groaned dramatically and laid down on the porch. “But I don't wannaaa.” I whined, kicking my feet. Bones continued to chastise me, something about responsibilities and Sam blah blah, but I'd already started zoning out. Immediately distracted with a random find of couple small packets of dinosaur fruit snacks what? Sure, why not? Not the weirdest things I've found in my pockets.    
  
Bone's foot flew forwards and prodded the top of my head pulling me back to attention. “Jim are you even listening?”   
  
“Hm? What?” He stared down at me, he was in 'angry dad' mode now. I slowly held out the little bag to him blinking innocently.  “Want one?” He gave my head another couple shoves with his foot until I sat up. Cursing my short attention span while he was at it. “Why must you all abuse me so? When I give you nothing but love.”   
  
“I already have one kid to take care of I don't need another one. Now go to your room.” He barked giving me another shove.  
  
I rolled over and stuck my tongue out at him. “Fine DAD, no fruitsnacks for you then.” I countered, scooching away from so his foot couldn't reach me. I studied him for a few moments, something definitely was off with him. “Jeeze you're testier than usual, who spit in your Lucky Charms??” He didn't answer back, just grumbled and adjusted himself on the swing. Something was definitely up. “Bones?”  
  
Right when his mom poked her head outside the front window.  “Jimmy! I thought I heard you. What are you doing here so early?” She called sweetly from the window.  
  
“Hi Mrs. M! Just out for a stroll.” I turned myself to face the window. “And being physically abused by your son here.” Bones made an angry growl and making great effort to give me one more last shove with his foot hard into my shoulder.   
  
“Lenny don't kick him! Goodness.”  
  
“Yeahh Lenny. Rude, I just came for a visit but it seems that I'm being kicked out. Literally.” Bones made another angry face and I flinched back awaiting another kick to the head. He sighed and called over his shoulder.  
  
“Ma, tell him he's gotta go home, Sam's lookin for him.”    
  
“Is this true Jimmy?” Mrs. M asked giving me that look moms give you when they try that subtle guilt, the 'tsk tsk' look.  
  
“Possibly.” I gave a shurg.  
  
“Jimmy.” She crooned. Ugh mom guilt, can't override.

"Yes." I finally said in resignation.  “Yeah alright fine.”  I pushed off the porch and stood up. “I’m going. Off to the empty apartment, all by my alone. With nothing but canned TV laughter to keep me company.”

"Go home sugar. You can come back dinner later kay?" Mrs. M offered warmly with a smile then dissappeared back inside the window.

"She called me sugar." 

“Dammit Jim. Why do you always do that?” Bones asked visibly annoyed, he then grumbled something to himself about children and guilt.  
  
“You love me.”  I grinned again but here wasn’t much behind it this time. “But yeah you’re right I should go. I got homework anyways.”. I said while texting a quick ‘not dead coming home now’ to Sam finally.  “Bye Jojo!”    
  
Bones just gave me another aggravated grunt and waved his hand dismissively at me. I spun on my heel and began to trot down the path stealing glances back when I was sure he wasn’t looking. There was a bad feeling I couldn’t shake, like there was something he wasn’t telling me. I could always tell and I’d pry it from him eventually.   
  
Thats what friends were for.  

  
  
I tried to slip through the door quietly without being detected, only to see Sam immediately, standing in the middle of the living room. He looked like he was about to leave, suitcase sitting behind him. That sight alone made me suddenly feel alone again. I wasn't surprised but a little part of me was disappointed at the thought of being left alone again.   He stood there staring at me seriously.   
  
“What.”  
  
“You know, you could at least let me know that you're alive somehow. It’s kind of what your phone is for.”  
  
“Oh, You know the police or the emergency room usually does that for me.”  
  
“Jimmy. Thats not funny.”   
  
Ok he was right I shouldn’t joke about something like that. But I haven’t been involved with either the police or hospital since I transferred here.  I’d made sure of that, being on kind of on one strike shy of a third. But Sam already knew my record and I couldn’t blame him for worrying.   
  
I gave an over exaggerated sigh and patted myself all over. “Look! See! I'm alive! Just late.” I said waving my arms and hands around in front of him. He still wasn't amused. I really shouldn't blame him. “And I did send you a message.”  
  
“Thirteen hours later. Jimmy you cant keep doing this...”  
  
“Alright I’m sorry. Now go do what you have to do. It's fine.” I said gesturing to his suitcase with a nod, heading for my room. I felt him looming a few steps behind me, I pretended not to notice.  
  
“Jimmy.” Sam called gently behind me. I continued to ignore him as I pulled off my shoes and rummaged through my drawers for a shirt that did belong to me.  “Jimmy. I was thinking. Maybe we should look back into the student housing again.”  Sam suggested gently and I felt my stomach drop. I turned around quickly with a semi horrified gape, which seemed to startle him.   
  
“Ugh no. Why?”  I'd already stayed in the dorms for a couple months before moving in with Sam and it got old really quickly. Curfews, rules, room checks. I’d prefer the quiet surroundings of the apartments than the restrictive confines of the dorms any day.    
  
 “So I can go work and not worry about you.”    
  
“But, no.” I whined trying to think of a better argument but failing. “I haven’t done anything illegal since I got here. And if you hadn’t noticed, Frank’s not here. Don’t kick me out.”  I didn’t mean for the ‘Don’t kick me out’ to sound as pathetic as it did,  Sam made a face and clapped his hand on my shoulder affectionately and gave me that look again. The pitying one thats supposed to convey sympathy.   
  
“I’m not going to ‘kick you out’ It’s just I feel bad that you’re always here alone all the time. And I worry about you when you’re not here. And god knows you could use some structure. And the dorms aren’t so bad, I stayed in them all four years”  
  
“I don’t mind being home alone it’s quiet, I like the quiet.”  I lied.  “I’m not alone all the time, and I’m fully capable of structuring myself.”  Sam looked unconvinced. “Really, go I promise I’ll still be alive when you get back.”  
  
Sam sighed and looked at his watch, he was the only person I knew that still wore one. “We’ll talk about this later. Just be safe.” He grabbed his bags and turned to leave, before closing the door behind him he added, “Oh and call Mom she called again last night after you skipped out.” Ugh I'd call Mom later. Much later. Like tomorrow later. Maybe.   
  
I waved back at Sam and watched him slip out the door. The apartment was quiet and I was alone again.   
  
Super.  
  
But being alone was something I could deal with. Even if I didn’t like it much. In a way I sort of set myself up for this really, choosing to come to live with Sam and going to the academy here rather than staying in Iowa.  
  
I’d rather be home alone here then there any day.  
  
I liked it here in San Fransiso and it was nice to be with Sam again. Even if he did work a lot. Sam and I had a pretty good relationship for the most part. Though I still resented him for leaving home the way he did but out of very few people in my life that I trusted most, he was at the top of the list.   
  
I had looked up to him so much when we were kids. He was smart, had a lot of friends and really great at every sport he tried. And there I was, the little brother, with asthma, allergies and anxieties.  I’d basically clung to him as a kid. Sam was my anchor, he looked out for me, from teaching me to tie my shoes and ride my bike to tucking me in at night. So imagine how crushed I was when he ran away.  
  
I’ll never forget running down the dirt road after him, desperately asking him where he was going and begging him not to go. Watching him get on a bus and disappear while Mom just let him go and stepdad Frank dismissed him with a shake of his head and a scoff.   
  
I knew Sam harbored a sort of guilt from that, which was probably why he’d come to my rescue and offered up information about the academy the moment he’d heard about my arrest. To try to make up for it. To which for the record, I am grateful.  
  
I’d been a pretty good kid growing up, I followed the rules, did what I was told, never stepped on any toes.  And on top of all of that, ‘freakishly’ smart as some kids at school would say. Which is probably what scared Frank the most.  It hadn’t occurred to me that me being in second grade doing 4th grade work was special. I’d got picked on at school for my hang ups and my grades. Kirk the brain or how I was weird that I couldn’t eat ice cream like the ‘normal’ kids, always picked last when playing games. I got teased enough at school and now I had Frank contributing to it.   
  
Sam had gotten the name but I’d gotten the face.   
  
Sam had begun to avoid coming home more and more each day until one day couldn’t take it anymore one day, he packed up some things and ran away to Grandpa T’s farm.  Who prompted the idea of the academy into Sam’s head no doubt.   
  
Though it Grandpa T that had actually come to my rescue first, offering me to come live with him and Gran at their farm on the other side of town for awhile, and set me to work on the farm to ‘straigtn me out’.    
  
I’d wordlessly went along with it and helped out on the farm shoveling stables and feeding the horses. It was an excellent stress reliever actually, various farm chores in the early morning to afternoon then crashing in the evening. While Gran smothered me in ‘well deserved’ coddling, while Grandpa T protested against it.   
  
He’s a tough man, Grandpa T. Military-esque  and probably the only one that had enough sense to knock some into me. ‘before I either ended up in jail or a casket’. I loved him very much and I knew him hurt just as much by my dad’s death if not more but instead of avoiding me the way Mom had he tried to give me the guidance that I so sorely needed.   
  
Then when a call from Sam came, after hearing about my situation from Gran and suggested the academy, in San Fransisco. California was ideal it was the farthest away, but prep school? And a boarding school? I didn’t exactly leap at the idea first pitched. The academy was held with high regards in my family. Both of my parents had gone and met there.  Both shining and excelling, then Sam, who too shone and excelled living up to his namesake.   
  
The academy was prestigious, full with both privileged and scholarship kids alike. I was smart enough and had the Kirk name, and they would be eager to have me. And they were willing to pay tuition to ‘see me succeed’. I would do fine.   
  
So, yes naturally I resisted.   
  
Mom was behind it 100%. “It’ll be good for you Jimmy. Get out of this old place for awhile.”  She told me. At the time I took that as her way of finally washing her hands of me. Frank had scoffed at the idea, there was no help for me, I had no respect so I didn’t deserve any. But was willing to drop the charges against me if they shipped me away to California.  
  
I knew my teachers had given up on me and would be ecstatic to get rid of me too.  
  
So I finally thought why not?  Fuck this place and everyone in it.   
  
I’d managed to salvage my grades pretty dramatically going from lay B’s and C’s to random A’s scaring the hell out of my teachers and prompting me to be briefly accused of cheating. As if I needed to cheat, I was smarter than most of the simpletons in my entire class. And within months I was out of Iowa and in San Fransisco.  
  
I had arrived already with a reputation as George Kirk’s son, a genius test score and a criminal record. Yeah I had to wear a uniform, and actually had to do homework and show up for classes.  But out of Iowa and on to better things even if I lived alone ninety-six percent of the time.   
  
The friends I made were pretty cool too.   
  
Speaking of.  
  
It wasn't long until my phone buzzed and two texts showed. One from Gary and one from Gaila. Gaila's consisting of  “What the hell? you just leave! asshole.” and Gary's “You're on the shit list Kirk!” etc the usual.     
  
I just texted back both with “Love you too ;)” and headed for a shower.   
  



	6. Bones

I didn't pay any attention to their names when they introduced themselves at first. I would look back at the paperwork later. The couple was normal looking. Nice enough, the cardigan wearing type that probably enforced bed times and a no excessive sugar rule. Their story was the same as the others had been. Can't have children, tried for years, willing to have an open adoption, send in pictures and videos, no problems with me visiting.  
  
I should finally just choose a family. I like this couple, they're nice.  
  
This will be good for her, the both of us. I try to tell myself.  She would go off to a real family and I could get back on track with my plans. Make her proud someday.  
  
I held her close. That position when her face rested against my chest and I could rest my cheek on the top of her head where I can bury my face into her soft wisps of hair. Breathing in her scent imprinting that into my memory forever. It wasn't like I was losing her forever, I'd still be in her life, and shed be in mine.    
  
They would send me pictures and videos of her as she grows up, with a different family. Walking her first steps, saying her first words, riding her first bike, with a different dad.  
  
I stood up and reluctantly handed her over to the man that gently took her up like she was made of glass.  Joanna didn’t cry or squirm away like i’d expected or hoped. The man held her close and cooed to her gently gaining her trust way too quickly than I would have liked. I avoided eye contact with him as best as I could. He looked like a dad. Mature, stable, and well dadish, if thats a word. I didn't hate him, I liked him.  
  
I hated that I liked him.  
  
The woman, who's named I’d finally remembered, Sharon, wrapped her arms around me and gave me the most sincere hug and deepest ‘thank you’ of my life. It was warm and tight and full of genuine love.  
  
“You’ll take care of her”  
  
With tears in her eyes she answered. “We will.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
Joanna turned to look at me and reached out for me.

* * *

 

“BONES!”  
  
A loud smack of hardcover books coming into contact with the surface I had been laying my head on jerked me out of thought. A pair of bright blue eyes shining innocently at me peering over the desk's edge.  Slowly Jim's whole face rose over the desk, with the glint only Jim possessed.  
  
That kid hardly ever sleeps and still manages to come to school mostly every day, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Where he gets this vitality from I would never know. Maybe he was leeching it from me.  
  
I couldn’t sleep now that I’d met Joanna’s new parents. Too wired from the thoughts of what it will be like to actually hand her off and what the hell I was going to do with myself once it was over.  I felt nauseous about the whole thing.  Talking about it made it too real. I showed up to school just so I could have a distraction. I guess it was showing.  
  
“What?” I grumbled through clenched teeth. He holds his hands up in defense.  
  
“Fine, if you wanna stay here all weekend by all means.” Letting my eyes drift around the classroom, everyone packing up their books, hanging around sitting on desks.  So normally the biggest worry most of them had was passing their classes. Instead of giving him some usual come back or angry retort I just closed my eyes and rested my chin on my arm.  
  
“Shut it degenerate.” I grumbled but there was nothing in it.  
  
“Ooo thems is fightin words.” He chirped mimicking my accent, rather poorly. Most likely in attempts to soften me up, which I admit helped some. Jim tried, in his own little Jim way.  Jim then hobbled on his knees closer leaning on the surface rested his chin on his folded arms.  “Seriously though I know somethings eating you, why wont you just tell me?” Damn his relentless nature.  
  
Jim may seem dense but damn is he receptive. Detecting a foul vibe in the air like a sort of radar. Then he takes up the responsibility onto himself to fix whatever’s causing it. It was partially why I put off telling him. I didn’t need him to cause himself way too much trouble to try to fix the situation.  
  
“Don’t worry about me Jim it's not your problem.”  
  
“Are you kidding? Have you met me? Everyone’s problem is my problem.”  
  
“Thats the problem.” I said sleepily hiding my face back in the crook on my arm. I didn't want it to be his problem. I was the solid one, I was the one you came to to have someone to listen to your problems, that was easy for me. Opening up about my own demons, that was hard. I understood why Jim would just run off and avoid them.  
  
“Jimmy you coming?”  
  
“Yeah in a sec.” Jim called back and turned back to me.  “Come on. Talk to me.”

At this point I really should tell him, I wanted to. I pondered it briefly should I tell him? I should. I didn't want him to know but then again I did. Possibly it may hurt less.  Gaila called for him again growing more impatient to which Jim responded in just telling her to go on without him and he would call her later. To which she responded with a shrug and a ‘whatever’

"Perhaps Leonard would be more comfortable speaking with counselor Pike instead?"  An overly proper voice asked, I raised my head slowly to see Spock standing behind Jim staring down at me seriously.  
  
“Who asked you?”

"Just a suggestion." Spock replied without any signs of offense.

"No thanks its all good." I straightened, and Spock squinted back at me dubiously. He was going to go to Jim about this I knew it. Now I’d never hear the end of it. But niether of them would budge. He leaned back and sat on his heels crossing his arms adamant. Jim is rarely a selfish person he just wants everyone to be alright. “Go on.”  
  
I got up, pulling my bag to my shoulder I skirted around the table leaving Jim kneeling beside the table. “You aren’t going to let up are you?”  Cocking his head to one side he raised an eyebrow.

"I know when you're lying Bones. You arent very good at covering your tracks you know. Have you learned nothing from me?" Jim said standing up and trailed after me. “You should come to this thing tonight, you haven’t been out with us in forever, I don’t thing your parent will mind one night. It’ll be fine.”  
  
“Nah Jim I can’t. I gotta study for this thing and...”  
  
“Lying again. Come on. Please.”  
  
“Next time I promise.”   Jim and Spock glanced at eachother then back to me. Then Jim shurgged in resignation and dragged Spock along with him out the door.  
  
Leaning against the rows of lockers for support I watched the hall gradually empty. Anxiety stirring in my chest as the second went by. I needed to talk to someone. But every time the opportunity came up I would shut down. My eyes traveled down the rows of lockers down to where Pike's office was. I could talk to him, that was his job. Talking about our problems, thats what counselors did right?

Dragging myself along the lockers closer to his office chest tight, debating weather to peek in and get his attention. I stopped and leaned against the wall a couple feet away from the office door. Rubbing the heels of my palms into my eyes tiredly. Letting my bag slide from my shoulder to the floor I took another deep breath  
  
Pike peeked his head out of the door. “Leonard?”  Pikes voice startling me sending me into an over dramatic jump out of me.  
  
“What’s the matter?  Did you need something?”  
  
“Um I thought I did but never mind.” I said breathlessly, making it sound like I’d run all the way here.  
  
“Come in come in sit. Deep breaths you’re alright. you can talk to me.”  
  
“There’s just. and.”  I didn’t know why it was so hard to say out loud.  “My daughter...”  
  
He was patient.  
  
“She’s being adopted soon. It's been hard is all.”  
  
“I see.”  
  
“I just haven’t told anyone else yet and I just needed to tell someone.”  
  
“You haven’t talked about this with anyone?”  
  
“Just my parents.”  
  
“Not your friends?”  I grimaced, the idea of talking to them about this didn’t feel like an option. I shook my head.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“They wont understand.”  
  
“But they’re your friends they could add support.”  
  
“I can’t...Jim..”  
  
“What about Jim?”  
  
“He keeps asking and just he’s got enough dad issues without me adding to them.”  
  
“And you think you’re protecting him by keeping it from him?” I didnt answer, sitting quitely staring downt at my hands in my lap.  
  
"And you think Jim needs protecting? You dont think he'll understand?"  
  
“I’m not worried about him understanding or not.”  I stood up and grabbed my bag from the floor. “You know what thats all. Thats all I wanted to say.” I said quickly, it probably didnt make much sense to him but I just wanted to get out of the office.  
  
“Leonard. You’ll come back to talk about this again wont you, keep me updated.”   Pike asked rising his eyebrows in anticipation for my answer. I bounced on my heels anxiously unsure. “Leonard.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah fine.”  I spun and walked out of his office.

* * *

  
  
I was wallowing now, it was only downhill from here. I’d gone against my code and ignored my phone completely letting it be once the battery died. I then spent the rest of the weekend alternating from vegetating on the couch to spending every waking moment Joanna had with her. Imprinting the feel of her tiny hands in mine and how she felt in my arms.  
  
My days as legal father were numbered it was friday and I had one week left. The omnipresent clock in my head ticking down loudly. I was barely eighteen this shouldn’t be something I had to deal with. I felt older with every hour that passed.  
  
Joanna was asleep in her playpen close by while I sat on the floor and pretended to study my notes. Books open around me but neglected. I couldn’t focus on them even if I wanted to, reading the words but not seeing them. I didn’t even bother to look up when I heard the front door creak then slam shut again  
  
“Look who was hovering on the porch like a specter in the night.”  Mom said walking into the room as Jim followed after giving a quick wave.    
  
“Psh and you yell at me for not answering my phone.”  
  
“What are you doing here?”  I sighed tiredly pushing my books aside and sitting up some.  
  
“Coming to check if you’re still alive is all. Where’ve you been? been completely off the grid you’re not even hate responding to my texts now. I was worried.” Jim griped. “That and you promised next time we went out you’d come with me.”  
  
“Augh Jim no, not tonight.” I told him quickly when Mom interjected.  
  
 “Go on with him Lenny.”  
  
“What?”  Snapping up to look at Mom standing in the doorway “But ma...”    
  
"Leonard." Mom motioned me up and over to the back of the room while Jim stood away pretending not to listen. “Go with him. You deserve some break time.”  
  
“But I can’t just, Joanna...” Glancing quickly in Joanna’s direction, just to make sure she was still there.  
  
“It’s alright honey, she’ll be here when you get back I promise.” I hesitated, Mom rested her hands on my stiff shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze.  “Go be with your friend. You’re gonna need him soon.”  
  
“I haven’t even told him yet ma.” I confessed throwing a quick glance Jim's way.  
  
“Then tell him tonight. Lenny keeping it to yourself isn’t going to stop it from happening. Go on.” Giving me a peck on the forehead and scooting me off back into the room where Jim waited peering down into the pen at sleeping Joanna.    
  
I'd agreed and reluctantly left the house with anxiety in my chest and Jim trailing close to my side. I’d somehow convinced myself a small distraction wasn’t a crime so I sat back and listened on to Jim’s prattling about how Sam wanted him to rethink student housing , which actually sounded like a good idea for him, to which he called me a traitor but continued on.  
  
I felt myself relaxing a bit some moments only to have the anxiety creep back into my chest again. This little dance was become exhausting.  
  
In the back of the pizza place across town where the old arcade games and other entertainment were at. And soon enough as expected the usual lot led by Gary showed up stealing Jim away for a round of darts I’d declined to join.  I sat back and watched tearing a napkin into small pieces. As the hours went by, I grew more and more anxious, barely able to keep still. I could feel my life ticking away, my role as Joanna’s father eroding away beneath my feet.  
  
 _‘I shouldn't be here’_ I began to think again. _‘I should be home with my daughter.’_ If I left they they wouldn’t notice. They were busy in the corner occupying themselves with a dart board and a pool table. I’d apologize to Jim later. Getting up I edged around the table and headed for the door when loud applause caught my attention.  
  
In the far front of the restaurant where the families would gather I could hear cheering I made the mistake of looking to my left and catching a glimpse of the party.  
  
All too quickly the room was too crowded too loud.  
  
A little girl about five or six sitting in the center of a booth surrounded by children and adults alike, a cake with bright pink frosting and flickering candles placed in front of her. I watched from a far as they sang to her and she blew out her candle with a big bright smile.  
  
I couldn’t breath. I needed to get out. I caught Jim watching me, not so subtly watching the family birthday party in the corner.  
  
He raised his hand and made a motion of stepping forwards but I was already heading for the door. Jim following behind me, calling to me I just kept walking. Once out the door I tripped a couple steps into the parking lot as far away from the building as I could while clawing at the collar of my shirt thinking that somehow it would make it easier to breath.

I felt the overwhelming need to just sprint away, anywhere. As fast as I could until I keeled over. Back home, down the street away from everything like my life depended on it. I hadn’t had an anxiety attack in months. I’d almost forgotten what they felt like. Normally they were small, a creeping nauseous feeling then a chill racing heart and it was over in minutes. But this one made me feel like I was going to die.  
  
Tears burning my eyes, hands pressed to my chest, I walked a few more quick unsteady steps. Unsure of what I should do or where to go. So I sat down on the curb. Pulled my knees up to my chest, curling into myself. Feeling my heart pound against my hands I held my breath willing my heart to stop.  
  
Footsteps approached from behind slowly. “Bones.”  Jim said quietly, he sounded scared.  I was probably scaring the hell out of him. Jim placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, I could feel the hesitation in the touch. “Can I do anything?” He asked me gently. I glanced back at him quickly, the look on his face confused genuinely concerned his eyes wide.  
  
It was just an anxiety attack it would pass, I wanted to tell him. The adrenalin draining from my body slowly, I slumped over my knees.  
  
“I’m sorry you saw that.” My voice sounded tired and far away, scrubbing my hands over my face.  
  
“I’ve never seen you freak out like that before what happened?”  
  
“Panic attack.” I said between breaths. “It’s ok, I’m ok now.”  
  
“Stop saying that! I didn’t believe you the first fifty times and I’m not going to believe you now.”  Gripping my sleeve. “Talk.”  
  
“Its just. I...”  I searched for the right words to say. Jim stared back intently waiting for me to answer. The words wouldn’t come, now that I wanted to tell him now that I had an opportunity I couldn’t.  “I can't.”  I answered pulling away.  
  
Quickly I got to my feet and like a coward got to my feet and just started walking away.  
  
 "Not even to me?!" Jim demanded. “Where you going?!”

“Home.”  
  
“Bones!” I ignored him, shoving my hands in my jacket pockets. “Leonard.”  Jim snapped from behind me stopping me mid-stride.  The tone of his voice unfamiliar with the use of my proper name. Jim rarely called me Leonard, he was angry now.  
  
Clenching my fists, taking another deeper breath I opened my mouth to say something but adrenaline shot through me again and did the first thing that came to mind instead.  
  
I ran.  
  
Flat out just ran away from him. Which was probably the worst possible thing to do, especially when its Jim you’re running from. The only other person who could probably keep up if not out run Jim was Nyota, and the thought of her chasing me down was even more terrifying.  
  
I heard his quick running slapping the pavement behind me and in seconds Jim collided into me nearly tackling me onto the sidewalk. Grabbing hold of me from behind, hooking his arm around my neck.  
  
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  I roared trying to throw him off my back. I knew Jim was just trying to help but his methods really wasn't helping. Now I was just angry.  
  
“You know better than to run away from me Leonard McCoy.” He hissed back holding fast. Damn Jim was strong, we grappled more while I tried to break free, his persistence wearing me down quickly. “What are you not telling me?!”  
  
“GET OFF ME!”  
  
“NO!”  He tightened his grip. I didn’t want to fight him.  
  
“Jim, you pig headed...I swear to god if you don't get off me.....”   My elbow jerked back while my threat trailed off, hitting him square in the chest, he made a loud ‘oof’ and we fell over. Me ending up falling face down on the ground with Jim landing on top of me, quickly scrambling to hold me down like a cop making an arrest.  
  
Straddling my back pinning me down on the ground, with one of my arms pulled behind my back.  
   
“God dammit Jim.” I cursed into the tarmac, feeling his gaze burning a hole in the back of my head.  
  
“Out with it McCoy.”  
  
“Shit fine! I'm giving Joanna up.”  The words tore themselves out of my throat leaving a bitter taste and a burning sensation behind them.  
  
And there it was.    
  
Jim went still and quiet. I felt the grip on my wrists loosen abruptly and him go slack. Jim stayed in that position for a moment before slowly letting go and getting off. But I stayed where I was, face down on the cold ground, all my strength gone carried away a second time.  
  
“What?”  Jim stammered in disbelief. “Like....to another family?”  
  
 He was at a loss for words. Damn. Bad sign.  
  
Looking back at him, Jim sat back on his heels pathetically and I watched his face while his brain attempted to compute what I had just told him. He’d like he’d been slapped. Like I slapped him. I felt like I’d slapped a child.  
  
This is what I had been afraid of. I knew it would effect him most, Jim and his way of taking everyones issues personally. And Jim loved Joanna, it was as if she was being taken away from him too.  
  
“Why?”  
   
 “It’s.....she needs a family Jim, a real family.” Slowly I sat up rubbing my sore arms. “And I met them, they're good people. They'll take really good care of her. And I can still be part of her life.”  
  
“But....” He stammered again, looking down at his hands. “She’s got a real family. She’s got you.”  
   
I watched as he just sat there, working it all out in his head.  “So thats what's been going on? This whole time? Why didn't you say something? Why didn’t you tell me?”  
  
“It's not exactly the most relatable problem to you.”  
  
“You still could have told me!”  Jim backed away from me looking betrayed. He was right, I should have from the beginning.  
  
“I know I’m sorry.” I apologized pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. Jim didn’t get up and leave like I expected him to he just sat there slouched in.  
  
“Did you ever plan on telling me? Or just hoped I’d find out on my own?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Then what is it, did you not trust me? I thought we were friends.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” I repeated again my voice cracking, I didn’t know what else to say. “I didn’t want it to be your problem, it was mine and I would deal with it on my own.” The build of of anger and sadness squeezing me from the inside. I stood up and tore off my jacket. **“GODDAMMIT!”**   I screamed into the cold night air, scrunching up my jacket  into a ball in my hands and throwing off in fury.  “I can’t do anything right anymore can I? Go on say it. I’m a shit friend and a failure dad! If I didn’t already know!”    
  
Jim sat back silent and wide eyed from his spot on the ground watching. I kept going.  
  
“You're gonna go on and hate me for this too aren't you?” I choked wiping my cheek with the cuff of my sleeve. “Sitting there all forlorn looking like I’m abandoning you too. This is what I was trying to avoid. Now you’re gonna hate me and Jo’s probably gonna hate me too.”  Ranting to myself as I kicked my jacket away before sitting in a heap on the tarmac again.  
  
I didn’t feel any better now that I’d finally told him. I felt gross and vulnerable and tired.  And Jim has sat through my whole tirade in silence. It was unfair to accuse Jim of such things, he wasn't petty or selfish. Childish sometimes but nothing bad.  Jim quietly got up picked up my jacket and plopped down next to me  “You done?”  He asked simply.  
  
“Yeah.” I answered simply taking my jacket back taking in a shaky breath. It was a long moment before Jim spoke again.  
  
“Ok so, explain me a thing. You didn’t tell me about the adoption because you thought I’d hate you?”  Jim asked in a very calm diplomatic way. I just shrugged, it sounded stupid now coming from him. “Aha. For the record I don’t hate you. Though I’m pissed you didn’t tell me anything and a little bummed out for you. I could never hate you. You know, unless you tried to murder me in my sleep or something then we’d have a problem.”  
  
I choked out a laugh.  Jim laughed meekly along with me, but the weak laugh is exactly what I feared from him most. More than him being angry at me. The damage was already done.  
  
Jim inhaled and gave a wheezey cough.  “Jim zip up your jacket, gonna catch pneumonia.”  
  
“Survived it before.”  I smacked him in the shoulder.  
  
“Not an excuse.”  
  
Jim made a face zipping up his jacket. He coughed again. “Don’t ever run from me ever again. Ugh I gotta do more cardio.” He said with a grimace rubbing a hand on his chest, probably where I'd hit him.

“You should start carrying your inhaler is what you should do.”  
  
“See you’re not a shit dad. You’re the best dad I know.”  Jim said said a sincerity that almost hurt. “But you don’t have to take care of me you know.”  
  
“I can’t help it. If I don’t who will?”  
  
“Ok. I can accept that.” Jim sat quietly scrubbing his hands through his hair. Anxious habit. He turned to me. “You wanna go home now?”  
  
“Nah can we just sit here for a while?”  
  
“In an empty parking lot at 10:30 PM? Just like old times!” Jim laughed again then went quiet. "I think I bit my tongue."

"Serves you right."

And so we sat.

 

* * *

  
  
Sitting out on the porch staring down at the concrete, fiddling with the small pink hat that I’d kept for myself. I’d brought her home in it I deserved to keep it. A sense of loss and idle time floating around me now that she was gone. I didn’t have her to take care of or constantly keep watch over so I didn’t know what to do with myself. So there on the front porch I sat clutching a small pink hat in my hand.  
  
It been hours since Joanna left me. Her new parents, Sharon and Dale I remembered their names finally, took her home with them elated and grateful. They were going to make great parents and I was glad I chose them. There was a tugging at my chest but I had an odd sense of relief that it was over with. It felt good to know that she would be taken care of, by good people. And that I would be able to see her soon.

It was freezing but I preferred to stay outside than go back in side Id end up sitting in Joanna’s room. Soon I'd have to take down her crib and put what was left that I kept away. I didn’t want to think about that right now. The memory of her tiny had slipping out of mine would stay with me forever though. I wondered if she was alright in her new house, with her new parents. If she was afraid in the unfamiliar house or warmed up to them immediately. Joanna was a sweet girl so she probably was just fine.  
  
Without me.  
  
I squeezed the hat tighter, anchoring myself. I felt liked I’d aged twenty years in three months. Old and tired at the ripe age of eighteen.  
  
From the porch I watched Jim approach the gate meekly, shifting on his feet unsure if he should come in or stay outside the yard. He gave me a gentle wave and I just gave him a shrug. Jim shuffled down the path and sat down next to me. Quietly we sat together for a long moment, watching the cars drive by and the sun gradually taking its light with it.    
  
“Now what am I gonna do?” I asked finally breaking the silence. Jim just shrugged still staring out straight ahead. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do now.”

"Um I can go jump off of something and you can yell at me if you want." Jim offered as brightly as he could manage. “Or get wasted?"  
  
“No thanks.”  
  
“How about chocolate wasted?”  Jim cajoled reaching into his pocket and waving a bottle of chocolate milk gently, which was a surprise and endearing. I smiled and bumped my shoulder into his, Jim reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "It'll be ok I know it." Jim consoled propping the milk bottle on my knee.  
  
“Jim, could you do me a favor? There's stuff I gotta put it away.”  
  
“Yeah I’ll help.”

"Thanks."

I was glad to have Jim at that moment, even though I felt like closing myself away from everything. It still hurt, inside and all over but I’d live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the positive reviews much love
> 
> More to come


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